Hey folks...
This is a little rant -- some of my thoughts on burning man.
It's in no way comprehensive, but does touch on some of
what I felt there. I've added a few notes and details at
the end, but nothing major as I think the rant covers
more of what I felt, which was more important than any one
given discrete event (as there were so many, different, odd
ones!).
love,
t
------- Forwarded Message
To: lucy <xxx@xxx.xxx>
Subject: burningmanrant
Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2000 04:38:21 -0700
From: "Thomas J. Tarka" <tommy@brigadoon>
lucy lucy lucy,
i'm so fucking laid low by a cold right now, mate, that
I haven' t had the collective wits enough to get an
intelligible message off. Was completely wasted until
about 4 hours ago when a college buddy called me up
(returning my drunken late-night call from last week)
and we've spend the last 4 gabbing about how lame everyone
else is and how cool we are. Or was it how much we fucking
party and how married and old everyone else is? Something
like that. So now that I've got all this conversational
energy going...
right. so, fair warning, that's the mindset. if you're
not ready for a gabby, long-winded one, you might want
to leave this for later or hit delete now.
first and foremost: burning man. I had a very strange
burn. I have to admit that my expectations of craziness, to
some degree, were not met, then again, there might not have
been any way that they could've been met the way I set things
up in my head, or, alternatively, I might just not have been
in the right places at the right times. Probably more the
latter than the former, but... What do I mean about craziness?
Hmm...I'm not sure. To some extent: bizarro camps. I think
I had conjured more intricate theme camps in my head, along
the lines of what Xara did to a greater or lesser degree
and it surprised me to see many smaller domes, camps left
largely unattended, and/or camps that weren't even set up
until Saturday. I guess none of this should have surprised
me -- who wants to be in their camp all day instead of
roaming about seeing everything like the rest of us? At
the same time, I somewhat expected things to be more manned
and have more stuff "going on" at all times in all corners.
That, I suppose, is nigh impossible, given the huge amount
of space to cover and whatnot. That, and I don't suppose
there was nearly as much smut going on at Bianca's as one
would anticipate from a smut shack (nor, apparently, as had
occurred there in previous years), with the odd exception of
odd occurnaces and the sausage-fest that ensued on Sunday
evening, but I digress...
Beyond those very superficial thoughts, things got good and
odd and freakish. That, and they were over way too
soon. It seemed like as soon as I finally started to get the
hang of the playa, I was leaving. I spent a lot (perhaps too much)
time inside my own head out there, whether it was while wandering
and between camps or just out on in the middle of the playa,
hanging out. It was lovely to see so many people decked out in
so many larger-than-life costumes...a bit daunting to the
virgin burner, as you mentioned. Sometimes I didn't feel like
I was being enough of a freak because everyone else was so far
out there in dress or action, sometimes I felt like I needed
to have some better way of displaying my freakishness so that
people might find it easier to approach me. It wasn't until
Thursday evening...or was it Friday evening, that I first donned
the massive american flag hat and mask, which may have made
a difference or may not have, I can't be sure. Maybe what
I'm driving at is that folks didn't seem as accessible as I
expected them to be, or maybe I was just daunted that I wouldn't
be accepted because I wasn't in full regalia throughout...and
to that extent, in part, found it hard to go forth without
care in full regalia as I wasn't comfortable enough with myself...
...which begs the question, of course, what was my deal? Why did
I have so many issues "letting go", of getting into the "anything
goes" theme of burning man? My guess is that it's due in part
to the fact that I felt I had come to burning man largely alone
and didn't have a safe crew to hang out with. My friend donna
was there with me but wasn't into partying or staying out late,
instead more content to wander during the morning hours
and/or hang about the bus and relax, read, write...while I felt
the need to be everywhere and anywhere, in the midst of whereever
stuff was happening. I came with a barrel full of lustmonkeys
but hadn't known any of them long enough to feel a strong kinship
or feel that they had my back, as it were. I had the feeling
they were good folks, but I also had the feeling they were more of
a unit, somewhat self-contained in their mass and sub-groups.
Right, so all that was a bit personal, but I guess it sums up
a lot of what the first few days of burning man were like for me:
adjustment. Coming to terms with myself and who I was...coming
to terms with the freedom to be who I wanted to be, without
expectation, without prior knowledge of anyone else -- no assumptions
to make, no catagories to place (or be placed) in. A whole new
level of interaction. Ok, but what to do next? It seemed like
after that, everything was rushed. When I would meet people, it
seemed like I wouldn't often be bound to run into them again,
so it was "pack as much into this encounter as possible" -- which
is probably a good lesson to take back to "real life" : Say what
you mean while you have the chance. Sometimes we don't get
the second chance to say something we meant or needed to say.
Regardless of lessons learned though, the vast chaos was a
bit disconcerting sometimes. Not being able to find the camp
of folks that you had just run into the previous day and felt
the need to connect with but not being able to find them or
find their camp. Impermanence...
So: crazy stories? Other than of self-discovery and investigation:
none to report. Nothing I haven't seen before or won't see again.
Mardi Gras and countless "hash" (that's Hash House Harrier to you)
weekends have me a bit spoiled for general levels of debauchery
and all out insanity, and now that I think about it, Burning Man
is sort of like a number of my Mardi Gras experiences. I've always
been amazed, in fact, at how much people "let go" at mardi gras and
how much of a yearly catharthis it is for them. The quote,
"I'm not wearing a bra. That's not something I'd ever do except at
Mardi Gras..." rings in my head from a woman who upon further
questioning was found to be a self-professed devout christian (of
some variety that escapes me these years later) and who felt the
freedom to let go only once a year, in one special place. The difference
is that Burning Man is theoretically safe -- safe in that everyone
has almost signed a pact -- no matter what we do here, we'll be
considerate of our fellow person. At least that's the theory, and
it seems to work pretty well from what I've seen. I wonder though
what the years and increased spectators will bring. Was the vibe
already that of mild suspicion? I imagine that's what I sensed -- or
imagined I sensed -- at times in peoples actions and faces. It
took a bit to draw folks out sometimes. I mean, I would wander
into places looking for a conversation or a smile and sometimes not
get it until the afterthought as I departed, "Take Care...", which
was enough, but sometimes seemed more lingering memory of the idea
of who we ought to be in that place instead of *being* that person.
...but that's all wanking anyway. With all the drugs and new arrivals
and adjustments, it takes everyone being open and outgoing every
ounce of their energy to keep revvvvvvving folks up to the current
state of energy and openness. with each new arrival, more goodwill
needs to be generated, more open arms need to be spread lest people
not feel welcomed, not tap into the building wave and instead sandbag it
as it attempts to move forward. Then again, when I was ROLLing, all
of these concerns and cares and worries just slipped away into
the background. Interesting, that. Useful for breaking social
barriers...had I only partook earlier in the week, maybe I wouldn't
have gotten caught up in all the above mishmash of thoughts. Maybe
I would have felt comfortable with the lustmonkeys and forgotten
my cares and fears and gone forward as myself from the start with a
crew, build stronger ties with some souls whose paths I now cross
on a more regular basis. But that's a whole nother tirade, on whether
burning man is for spending time with the group you came with, or with
other, random folks, or both and how and to what degree.
In short, burning man was a mind-fuck. I loved it. I think I can
honestly say that I loved it. But it wasn't easy for me a lot
of the time, the adjusting wasn't easy. There was a lot of
self-doubt and fear to overcome before I felt like I could "blossom"
(cheesy, i know :) and that's part of what I'll take away from
the experience. And maybe next year, maybe, I won't feel the need to
go all decked out. Maybe I can get over the fear of needing to project
myself as someone bizarre and show people that someone looking normal
can be just as bizarre and worthwhile to lend an ear to as anyone
else...that things aren't as they seem...ah, but that seems to be
more of a personal issue that I feel the need to prove than anything
else. or not. we'll see. In any event, I think burning man was
an amazing experience, but i think it's coming apart at the seems
with so many folks, almost to the extent that it's going to need
every single person who has ever been there to keep coming back
and showing folks what it means to burn. that, or folks who are naturally
apt to bring the energy and openness that burningman thrives on,
to the playa, as really, no experience is required.
hrm. so i'm not sure how much of the above makes any sense. probably
some, and perhaps if nothing else, the gist is there. I think
it's possible to take away just about anything you want from
the burn, and to assign any meaning (or lack thereof) to it that
might pop into your head. i'll choose to remember it as a very
wonderful coming together and opening up. I hope that others do too.
i'm constantly amazed at how positive people have been coming away from
it...no, not how positive they've been, but how many insights people
have taken away from it, when, on Friday night when I was cold
and huddling by a fire at Space Cowboy I was thinking "Wow, I'm
so lost and this isn't any fun...all the folks here are on something
and just happy happy and dancing, while I'm cold and don't fit
into the scene" -- in essence, willing to lump a large portion
of the burningman, nightlife experience into being "on something" and
dancing all night. All this, despite seeing people connect and
groove right into their element -- or maybe because of that and because
i was feeling bitter and left out. The place is magical and has
unlimited possibilities, not the least of which is perspective, if you
only open your eyes to them.
<response to other, non-burning man related stuff, deleted>
nighty night,
t
Tommy Tarka \ "To resist despair in this world is...
tommy@slackers.net \ what it is to be free" -- Operation Ivy
http://burri.to/~tommy/ ------------------------------------------
------- End of Forwarded Message
NOTES:
Right, so some things to note that I missed in my original, somewhat
frantic thoughts above. As I settled in a little bit later in the week,
I encountered some people who took the time to care -- who took a step beyond
whatever they were doing at the moment and whatever thoughts were on their
mind and said "What's going on?" or who made a real solid attempt to
find out how I was doing or who I was...beyond the "just chatting"
stuff... I mean, people were friendly, but these folks were looking for
something a step beyond that and I appreciated it. Hell, I'm not even
sure if I was that way around people -- I hope I was, but now that I think
about it, I'm not sure I was. Again, it goes without saying that everyone
at burning man is looking for something different, brings something
different, and is a different person so will act different, it's just
that some of these folks really touched on something for me.
Looking at the last paragraph in that rant above, it seems a bit negative.
I think that a lot of the negative stuff and low moments really served
to contrast the highs. Every moment of burning man forced me to reevaluate
who I am, how I act, and my whole value system. Within that, I saw good
and bad things. It reaffirmed certain things as positive and marked other
things as negative (within me). It's sometimes hard when you're in that mindset
not to be ... angry when you see them (other folks) being a way that you might
want to be, but aren't. Kinda like when you're cranky and want to
be having fun, but you're not and you see other folks having a good
time and you just feel empty and you want them not to have as fun a
time...when in reality, it's just your problem and your envy that's
the issue. Friday night I was cold and cranky, wondering where everyone's
energy was coming from, and feeling more than a bit insecure...it
was then that I had a lot of those thoughts -- not bad thoughts to have,
but pretty negative on the surface. I think I learned a bit just having
those thoughts and figuring out where they were coming from, instead of
just leaving them there and letting the thoughts behind them fester
unexpressed.
Ah, and that ties into "perspective". Being outside your comfort
zone, away from family, friends, work, beliefs, expectations and
percieved expectations is a joyous and wonderful, not to mention
scary, thing. I experienced a lot of this freedom and a lot of the same
emotions when I was travelling overseas, but not packed into one
week and not as intense. There's no way I can describe what happened
to me the first night in Black Rock City, sitting out in the middle
of the playa, all alone and when the playa was still relatively empty
without many lights or structures. In moments I had a number of realizations
regarding where I was in my life and how all sorts of things were
effecting me and stressing me out...realizations of how far I was
from my center and some of the reasons why... *satori* If nothing
else, those moments on the playa deeply effected where I'm at now
(post-burning man) and helped me come to terms with and accept the
direction I'm headed in. It allowed me to see things as they were
without the concerns of society clouding my vision or opinions.
The other thing that I wanted to touch on which I didn't go into above
was "self-reliance". There was one point that I was hanging about
some veteran burners when some other folks came by with a virgin
burner (uh, what was i? Yeah, but they didn't know that?). I can't
remember the exact situation, but I think it revolved around the virgin
eating a candy bar or a banana and then had something to throw
away (wrapper or peel or something). The hosts offered a garbage bag,
but the guests (the virgin was with the guests) said "No, he's a
virgin, we need to train him right, he needs to take everything that
he brings back out with him" at which point they walked back to their
site to throw out the garbage. Now, I guess at the time I was a bit
shocked -- mostly because I think I was bumming a blanket at the time,
having found myself a mile away from my camp and not wanting to make
the trek back for warmth, instead figuring being cold was a good
excuse to hang with my friends on that side of the playa, since I needed
to catch up with them anyway. Right, so *I* felt silly...but the
point was made, a line drawn in the dust. I know that some of the
folks in our camp had at least a passing feeling that others weren't
being self-reliant, that they were relying on other folks to provide
for them while they went out and had fun. Maybe self-reliance *is*
something that newer folks have to be more cognizant of...perhaps
instead of merely having the limitation that no tickets can be
bought after Thursday that the additional limitation of 'no one
is allowed in after Thursday' should be placed on the event so
folks *have* to bring all they need to survive, or rather, have
to prepare for a greater number of days instead of being weekend
warriors who have enough ice in the cooler to keep their beer
cold for the length of their stay. Don't get me wrong, keeping
your beer cold is an important endeavor that shouldn't be overlooked --
i think I even managed to have a cold pacifico on Sunday -- but
there's certainly a difference in mindset if you're preparing
for 5 - 7 (or more) days than if you're just going for 2 or 3. Is
burning man supposed to be about being "hardcore" though? I mean,
there is a certain element of survival and "not for everyone"
(or is that "For Madmen Only"?) -- but should that translate to us
not allowing RVs and requiring folks to come for longer periods of
time? Won't that just inspire the yahoos to say "I survived burning man"
in an "I'm cooler than you" sort of way? That's not what we want, so
maybe the only option *is* to be very specific about what we do and
live by example. I'm not sure, it's a toughy. In any event, I
hope that my next visit to black rock city, i'll be just as full
on as ever, no elements of "this isn't as cool as it was in 2000",
no "people just aren't as cool", no "there are too many people here"...
but just doing my part to keep the vibe revvvvvvvved up and at
full bore, converting folks left and right to the magic of the playa.
yours,
t
ps for those of you who weren't there, this might interest you in imagining Black Rock City.
Tommy Tarka \ "To resist despair in this world is...
tommy@slackers.net \ what it is to be free" -- Operation Ivy
http://burri.to/~tommy/ ------------------------------------------
Edifice et Incendire